The Butterfly Marriage
Change
or Die. The title itself is enough
to cause a bookstore browser to stop in their tracks. For someone fascinated with the process of
personal transformation, it called to me among a thousand other titles. With a subtitle that asks, “Could you change when change matters most?”
the intrigue was irresistible. Alan Deutschman
(2007) said, “Change doesn’t have to be something that happens to you. You can make it happen—actively,
intentionally, and deliberately—if you develop an understanding of how change
works” (p. 121).
As a marriage counselor, I am saddened
when I encounter insufferable anger and pain between two people who once promised
to “love each other until death do they part.”
And, while the unhappy couple believes
their current predicament is a result of one or two annoyances, it’s usually
the result of an accumulation of a thousand little choices. And, getting back to the place of peace often
requires a journey of a similar path.
Weddings are transcendent. The bride is beautiful and the groom is
nervous. Families come together and
celebrate the beginning of two people becoming one. While the details of planning and pulling off
such an event are complicated, the merging of two lives is chaotic. The groom enters the marriage with pride,
sexual expectations, family struggles, a history of mistakes, and an unchecked
ego. The bride meets him at the altar
with bags of insecurity, unrealistic romantic expectations, family dysfunction,
and a past she wants to forget. John
Eldridge calls marriage a “divine conspiracy.”
Before the honeymoon ends, husbands
and wives quickly realize that their wedding day will prove to be the easiest
day of their marriage. Nick Obolensky
(2010) highlighted Ian Stewart’s definition of chaos theory as, “an apparently
complicated, apparently patternless behavior that actually has a simple
deterministic explanation” (p. 63).
She can’t understand why he doesn’t
want to talk anymore and he is upset that their intimate times have become less
and less. Before long, arguments
increase, contempt creeps in, and the wedding day that was filled with promise
and hope has all been forgotten. And
now, chaos ensues. Days become filled
with frustration and regular doses of angry looks and hopeless sighs. Happiness and hope have vanished and love
seems all but lost.
As mentioned earlier, when couples
request marital counseling, they often believe if their spouse would stop doing
one thing, they would regain their
happiness. But, it is never one thing
and it is never one person. Rather,
there are hundreds of little decisions and choices that both spouses have made
that have caused their marriage to arrive at the brink of dissolution. And, getting back to the place they hoped for
when they said, “I do”, while difficult, is possible if both husband and wife
make a few small choices. These choices
highlight the butterfly effect.
Obolensky (2010) said, “Within
complex organizations, small changes can yield large results” (p. 66). Princeton.edu defined the butterfly effect
as, “a metaphor that encapsulates the concept of sensitive dependence on initial conditions. Small changes at one place in a complex
system can have large effects elsewhere."
Like complex organizations,
marriages have many layers from financial budgets and job descriptions to vision
casting and culture wars. When marriages
find themselves in a downward spiral, there are two small decisions that
spouses can make that will have a large effect.
These choices are tone and time.
The expression “familiarity breeds
contempt” is used quite often in marriage.
However, the problem is not with familiarity but forgetfulness. We forget our vows. We forget marriage takes work. And, worst of all, we forget that our spouse
is a person with value and purpose. Mel
Schwartz (2010) from Psychology Today
said, “Disrespect, dishonoring, and negative energy all too often become
familiar territory in relationship.” He
continues, “The difficulties that marriages endure are caused by a turning away
from each other. When we do so, we begin
to take each other for granted." One of the first places this shows up is in
the tone of our voice.
Snide comments, condescending
tones, and sarcastic remarks are verbal ways spouses use to devalue their partner. In an attempt to feel superior and gain an edge
in marriage, spouses speak to one another in ways that communicate disrespect
and dishonor. These hidden messages
convey a lack of love and slowly create distance and division. To begin changing the atmosphere in a home,
spouses should begin to change their tone.
By using a softer, gentler, more understanding tone of voice, spouses
will be more apt to listen and be drawn into a conversation rather than
preparing their rebuttal.
McKay, Davis, & Fanning (2009) described
fighting between intimates as “an inevitable, natural, and potentially
beneficial process for mutual problem solving” (p. 150). However, they also identified fair-fighting
strategies. Sarcasm and patronizing
tones create communication barriers and lead to further problems later. Changing your tone and speaking with respect
begins to rebuild damaged emotions while immediately creating an atmosphere
conducive to positive communication.
The second small decision that
spouses can make that have a large effect on their marriage is time. The most precious resource at our disposal is
our time and how we spend it communicates what we value and consider a
priority. Wearing a wedding ring and
sharing a mortgage does not make a marriage.
Marriages, like organizations, decline from neglect. To turn things around, spouses should begin
to invest small amounts of time focusing solely on their relationship. Friday date nights, conversations over
coffee, and attending marriage seminars are all small ways to communicate care
and concern for the marriage. Too often,
spouses believe they have to rearrange their whole life and give up hobbies to repair
a marriage. The road looks too daunting
so they avoid it altogether. However, we
have seen that small investments of time now pay large dividends later.
Simply changing one’s tone when
speaking to their spouse and setting some time aside to talk can help a husband
and wife begin to see their relationship with a new perspective. When a spouse turns toward their marriage
instead of away, mutual respect, honor, unity, and empathy being to emerge.
Let me add a note of caution: These
two choices are not a panacea for all marriage problems as many spouses are
suffering from great betrayals and significant emotional struggles. In the same way, some organizations need
complete makeovers whereas others need to make small changes.
The goal is to start
somewhere. The butterfly effect has
proven that small strategies and decisions can elicit large dividends
later. If you want to recapture those
earlier dreams and desires from your wedding day, then make some time for your
spouse and speak to them in ways that draw them to you rather than push them
away.
Steve
References:
Deutschman, A. (2007). Change or die. New York, NY:
HarperCollins.
McKay, M., Davis, M., &
Fanning, P. (2009). Messages.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Obolensky, N. (2010). Complex adaptive leadership. Burlington,
VT: Gower Publishing.
Schwartz, M. (2010). Does
Familiarity Breed Contempt? Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shift-mind/201010/does-familiarity-breed-contempt
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