Marriage and the Cynefin Framework
Last night I spent
three hours in a room with seven other married couples watching a Family Life
video series titled The Art of Marriage.
My wife and I led a seminar last fall on
the material and are now facilitating a couple’s group through a condensed
six-week small group study. The night normally
begins with small talk and snacks, and then leads into the 35-minute video,
followed by group discussion. Our group
consists of couples who have been married anywhere from three years to 30 years. Some have kids and some do not. There are couples working on their second
marriage and some wondering why they’re in the one they’re in.
Last night’s
topic: conflict.
Marriage is an exciting
and inspirational institution. Like
life, it is a collection of decisions—a cumulative reflection of daily choices.
Couples celebrating annual anniversaries
reflect the power of unified decisions, shared leadership, and mutual
submission. Alternatively, couples
inking divorce papers, leaving in the middle of the night, carrying on
clandestine affairs, and living as silent roommates make as many decisions as
the successful marriages. Why the
difference? How does one marriage celebrate 50-years and another barely make it
five? It comes down to one word:
decisions. Snowden & Boone (2007) in
their seminal work A Leader’s Framework
for Decision Making explain the decision-making model known as the Cynefin
framework. Designed to help people see
things from different viewpoints, assimilate complex concepts, and address real
world problems and opportunities, this literature has the potential to
transform the marriages by understanding communication, context, and care.
The very first decision
in a marriage is “I do.” From that point
forward, all other decisions get incrementally more difficulty. When couples make the right decisions in the
right context, marriages flourish. When a
husband or a wife refuses to be flexible and in turn, forces their will onto
their spouse, the foundations of the marriage—unity, love, and respect—fractures
and ultimately gives under the weight of life’s demands and personal
expectations. By understanding,
applying, and viewing marital decisions through the lens of the Cynefin
framework, couples can avoid the traditional pitfalls of marriage and
communicate in a way that strengthens the marital union and respects the
individual characteristics of both spouses.
This Cynefin framework
sorts issues into four contexts defined by the nature of the relationship
between cause and effect. They are:
simple, complicated, complex, and chaotic.
These arenas require leaders to diagnose situations and empower them to
act in contextually appropriate ways (Snowden & Boone, 2007, p. 2). Effective marriages have spouses who learn to
shift their decision-making style to match the changing relationship. Simple, complicated, complex, and chaotic
context each call for a different marital response. By correctly identifying the governing
context, staying aware of danger signals, and avoiding inappropriate reactions,
spouses can lead their marriage effectively and enjoy the satisfaction of many
years of marriage (Snowden & Boone, 2007, p. 7). I learned that the hard way. Last night’s
discussion on conflict reminded me what an arduous, yet rewarding, road it’s
been.
When my marriage
collapsed after 16 years, both my wife and I were caught in a turbulent whirlwind
of emotional pain and anxiety. There
were no right answers, no reasonable explanation, and no hope for reconciliation.
It was chaos. Tension pushed both of us to physical and
emotional exhaustion. Neither knew which
way to go or what decision to make. Finally,
a neighbor suggested we visit a local church marriage counselor with experience
in marital chaos. We decided to visit him and he immediately
stepped in and “stopped the bleeding.” He
led our marriage from the chaotic domain into the complicated domain.
Our next decision
was to cautiously move forward and seek reconciliation. Though no easy answers were available to
explain our predicament, we worked together to create an environment conducive
to honesty and trust. We both made a
decision to surrender our lives to God’s purposes for our marriage. We read as much as we could, discussed
practical principles, and immediately applied our newfound knowledge to our
words and actions. As a result, new
doors of dialogue opened, we set marital goals, listened for understanding, and
without knowing it, created a foundation upon which a new marriage could be
built. Twelve years later, we use what
we’ve learned to help others. The
Cynefin model will be a valuable resource in that endeavor.
Tonight my wife
and I are meeting a young couple for pre-marital counseling. Learning about the Cynefin model and the four
domains of decision-making has equipped me as a counselor to help young
marriages avoid some of the poor decisions I made early in my relationship. The
following are five ways in which the Cynefin model can improve the context for
decision-making in marriage:
1.
Creates communication – the Cynefin
model creates channels that challenge traditional viewpoints. It helps break people away form stodgy
thinking and silent manipulation. It
encourages each spouse to interact so new patterns of communication can emerge.
2.
Promotes flexibility – Rigidity has
ruined many marriages. People change,
culture changes, and marriages must change as well. Going into marriage with a long-term
perspective prepares both spouses for the inevitable changes—physical,
emotional, and spiritual—that one another experience. The Cynefin model helps
spouse understand the different stages (contexts) of life and react
accordingly.
3.
Encourages action – One of my
favorite elements of the Cynefin model is that it is a proactive model. It encourages both spouses to interact,
listen, communicate, and take action.
Each of the four domains decision steps includes the word—action!
Marriage, as in life, requires both spouses to take actions to improve and
strengthen the relationship.
4.
Promotes patience – Marital
longevity is a result of practicing patience. Rather than immediately speak or
make premature judgments and decisions, the Cynefin model encourages
decision-makers to have patience by seeking to understand the results of cause
and effect variables. By modeling a
patient understanding of context, when a chaotic situation arises, both spouses
are better equipped to act.
5.
Strengthens commitment – By viewing
your marriage through the lens of the Cynefin framework, spouses will recognize
the responses that build unity and those that cause division. Leadership is often a shared responsibility
within a marriage; by listening, increasing interaction, and having a clear
direction for the marriage, both husband and wife can gain a greater commitment
to their relationship.
In their book Fighting for Your Marriage, Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (2010)
said, “The massive change in people’s expectations for marriage have led to a
very different kind of marriage for most couples. Today, marriages require more
skill in communication, conflict management, and negotiation between partners
than ever before, because there is less that is automatically accepted and more
that needs to be decided” (p. 4). With
over twenty-eight years of marriage behind me and hopefully many more ahead, I
can say without reservation that the Cynefin model appropriately understood and
applied can greatly enhance communication, commitment, and intimacy between a
husband and a wife.
Legacy never stops learning.
Steve
References
Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2010). Fighting
for Your Marriage (3rd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Snowden, D.J. & Boone, M.E.
(2007). A Leader’s Framework for Decision Making. Harvard
Business Review, 85(11), 1-9.
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