Two nights ago, my wife and I watched the movie Hope Springs with Tommy Lee Jones and
Meryl Streep. The film is based around a
middle-aged couple, Arnold (played by Jones) and Kay (played by Streep), recently
celebrating thirty-one years of marriage.
Stuck in routine and resignation, they undergo five days of intensive
marriage counseling in Hope Springs, Maine.
Sitting before their marriage counselor (brilliantly played by Steve
Carell), Arnold and Kay unpack fears and unmet expectations. Advertised as a comedy, this movie delivers
an insightful look at the consequences of poor marital communication.
McKay, Davis, & Fanning (2009), in their book Messages, stated, “You can’t ‘not
communicate’ with others. Without saying a word, you reveal your feelings and
attitudes” (p. 59). Watching this movie and
reading chapters 4-6 of Messages, I
felt as if I were a counselor in the office with Arnold and Kay. The combination of the movie and the book has
opened my eyes and motivated me to enrich the communication with my wife,
friends, and coworkers.
McKay, Davis, & Fanning (2009) said, “The key to
nonverbal communication is congruence.
Awareness of incongruence in your own nonverbal message can make you a
much more effective communicator” (p. 60). When my wife and I used to argue, the
conversations normally consisted of me badgering her with “What’s wrong” and
her replying with “Nothing.” The
metamessage tug-of-war could last for hours.
When my wife clearly and purposefully articulates a word ensuring every
consonant and vowel is pronounced, it means things are not well. The obvious incongruence between my wife’s
body language and her verbal “nothing is wrong” would send me spiraling into an
abyss of frustration. As a result, my
incongruent apology wasn’t much better.
My “I’m sorry” was more apt to be translated as “Whatever I’ve done,
will you please just forget it so we can get past this?”
If the lack of congruence wasn’t enough to identify the
obvious disconnection, our social kinesics and proxemics were sure to set off warning
sirens. Crossing her arms tightly across
her chest communicated defensiveness and an unwillingness to share her feelings
(McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009, p. 63).
Wringing my hands and rubbing my
forehead, communicated anger rather than understanding. Normally, when our relationship is strong, we
spend our time in an intimate (touching to 18”) and a personal (1 ½’ to 4’)
zone. When we are arguing, the distinct
zone of choice is social (4’ to 12’) and sometimes even public (12’ to
20’). If my wife were to say, “I’m not
mad” but refuse to breach the personal or intimate zone, then incongruence
would again be raised. In other words,
our personal distance is in direct correlation to our feelings.
In Hope Springs, Arnold
and Kay begin their marital session on opposite sides of the couch. As the sessions move forward and they share
their feelings, the distance between them narrows and subconsciously, they are
drawn to each other. When they fall into
attacking one another, they move further away from each other on the
couch. It is a perfect dramatization of
what is happening both physically and emotionally. Like the actors, as my wife and I work
through our argument, the space between us narrows. As we move further toward each other, the
volume of our speech is brought to a lower level, the tempo slows down, and we
resonate a desire to understand each other.
After twenty-eight years of marriage, my wife and I have
learned that our relationship is greater than either of us in particular. By choosing the higher road of reconciliation
and empathy, our desire is to understand each other rather than prove a
point. As a result, we’ve learned a
great deal about human communication techniques. By studying couples in counseling, reading
vast amounts of literature, and recognizing our own shortcomings, we’re better
equipped to help spouses navigate the rough waters of a difficult
marriage. In the process, we’ve come
face to face with McKay, Davis, & Fanning’s eight hidden agendas.
As a refuge for hurting people, the church is a
conglomeration of hidden agendas. As my
wife and I discussed the eight hidden agendas described in Messages, we were able to positively assign many names under each
category—us included. There are normally
three-tiers of church involvement: Leadership, regular attendees, and
uncommitted. Each category operates with
different levels of commitment and agenda.
Here are a few hidden agendas I’ve experienced within the church:
1.
“I’m Good.” This is the
most frequently used agenda within a church. Leaders use it to avoid losing position,
attendees use it to keep people at bay, and the uncommitted use it because
there is a lack of trust.
2.
“I’m Good (But You’re
Not).” This is the “holier than thou” individual
who is judgmental and critical of everyone while ignoring his or her own
shortcomings.
3.
“You’re Good (But I’m
Not).” This is the person who does not want to change. Rather than take corrective action, they
resign themselves to believing they are who they are.
4.
“I’m Helpless, I
Suffer.” This is normally the people getting the lion’s share of the
attention. These are the ones rarely
seeking to help anyone else. Their goal
is to manipulate others to feel sorry for them.
5.
“I’m Blameless.” This
churchgoer is not too far removed from “I’m Good (But You’re’ Not)”
agenda. Either way, nothing is their
fault. I have personally experienced
this agenda when offering assistance or advice to an individual. If they implement my advice and it does not
go as they hoped, it is my fault, not theirs.
6.
“I’m Fragile.” As I mentioned earlier, church is a refuge
for the hurting. Fragile people come
looking for help all the time. However,
the “I’m Fragile” agenda keeps people operating with a victim mentality. When this agenda is exposed, people either
change and incorporate a new mindset or they skip from church to church seeking
sympathy.
7.
“I’m Tough.” Working in men’s ministry for over twelve
years has introduced me to many of these agendas. Intimidation and busyness cover a host of
insecurities and self-esteem problems.
8.
“I Know It All.” Every church in every town has at least one
of these people. This is the Bible
scholar, the one who has a Scripture verse for every situation, and the person
with all the answers. They hide behind
their academics, resumes, and memory verses.
The key to breaking free from hidden agendas is to
incorporate the rewards of self-disclosure as described by McKay, Davis, &
Fanning. An increased self-knowledge,
closer intimate relationships, and improved communication would help many people
suffering from perfection, misaligned perspectives, and legalistic
viewpoints. By overcoming guilt and
sharing your feelings with others, there is less guilt and more energy. Maintaining hidden agendas requires a lot of
work and ends in overwhelming loneliness.
One of my favorite lines in Hope Springs occurs when Arnold and Kay are at dinner. Much has already been shared between them and
some of the walls are down; agendas have been put aside for the night and for
the first time in a long time, they feel close.
As the conversation traces back to when they first met, Arnold (in a
moment of vulnerability) said to Kay, “You could have had your pick. I didn’t think you’d ever want me.” In which
Kay responds, “I never wanted anything more.” By breaking through agendas and learning to
communicate honestly and authentically, life and relationships are reconciled.
Legacy Never Hides.
Steve
References:
McKay,
M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger
Publications, Inc.
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