Contact and Connection
My wife and I will celebrate 29 years of marriage this year. We started dating at 15 and married at
19. The differences between dating in
1980 and dating in 2013 are infinitely vast.
Watching my best friend (41 years old) navigate the tumultuous waters of
Internet dating is both amusing and confusing.
Scrolling through scores of women, profile after profile, reminds me of how
long it has been since I needed a “date.”
Times are different and more and more people are finding love
online. What I find interesting though
is my friend discounts woman after woman because they have little in
common. As one who studies marriage,
rarely do I find a couple that are perfectly compatible. Rather, as spouses share their story, I hear
about the differences between them and how they’ve “grown” similar.
My wife and I are the same way.
She is relationally conservative.
Introverted by nature, she avoids large gatherings and is more
comfortable with one or two select friends.
Meeting new people challenges her to step outside of her comfort
zone. I, on the other hand, am extremely
outgoing. Long before I understood the
concept of leadership or embraced my ministry calling, I was leading my friends. As a teenager, I made the weekend plans for our
group. It was my parent’s rotary phone
that rang off the hook every Friday night as friends called to ask where we
were going and what time we would meet.
I was the one asked to keep an eye “on things” when teachers left the
class. Yet, I led with humor and
camaraderie, not manipulation and intimidation.
Joining the Air Force fresh out of high school opened the door for me to
step into greater positions of leadership.
Because of my personality, supervisors often left me in charge or
selected me to speak at seminars and banquets.
Nearing half a century old, I’ve found there are three distinct personality
characteristics that were evident early in my life and have evolved to equip me
as a relational leader: They are, (1) empathy, (2) extroversion, and (3) humor. The first rule of McKay, Davis, &
Fanning’s (2009) guidelines for making contact is “you have to give what you
would like to receive, which means the interest, respect, and liking that you
want must also be something you offer to others” (p. 209). One of my strongest qualities is
empathy. Every person has a deep-seated
need to know they mattered. They want to
know someone cared. I care.
In Emotional Intelligence,
Daniel Goleman (1995) said, “Empathy builds on self-awareness; the more open we
are to our own emotions, the more skilled we will be in reading feelings” (p.
96). McKay, Davis, & Fanning (2009)
said, “The hallmark of a good conversationalist is the ability to listen in
such a way that others feel heard” (p. 214).
My family often comments on my ability to make people feel important,
understood, accepted, and appreciated. I
don’t force it or pretend. In other
words, I am not trying to demonstrate
empathy and hoping the person senses my concern. I am
empathic and understanding, so they sense my authenticity. Here’s the thing: I really do care. I’ve been told I have a “coaches” gift in
that I inspire and encourage. I see in men
and women the person they were meant to be but aren’t yet living. As a result, I have a great passion to draw
out people’s potential and inspire them to want to make a difference.
McKay, Davis, & Fanning (2009) identified the second basic
rule for successfully making contact as, “you have to have an outward rather
than inward focus” (p. 209). Every day
each one of us is surrounded by incredible stories. Some of the stories are joyous, some
inspirational, and others painfully sad.
When I look at people at work, at a restaurant, the mall, or the local
gas station, I see books, movies, compelling dramas, and untold
possibilities. Every person that walks
past each of us is made up of a complex history filled with countless life
experiences, choices, and consequences.
There is a desire in me to find out what it is. I am driven to know them and I’m willing to
share my life in the process.
Outgoing and friendly, my demeanor
welcomes strangers. As an extrovert, I
must also use wisdom. This trait must be
managed, as you do not want to appear “strange” but rather “safe” and
friendly. I find great pleasure in
meeting new people and the possibility of developing new friendships. Growing up in alcoholic family, I found an
escape in friends and relationships. While
age has taught me to enjoy the solitude of a calm day, the passion of reading,
and the quiet time with my wife, I still get energized by crowds.
I find that most people are
guarded. They walk through offices and
social gatherings with invisible walls protecting them from allowing people too
close. I’ve found the best way to disarm
difficult people or help the hidden come out from behind their walls is by
using humor. Not slapstick or corny
jokes; but rather, real life stories of people dealing with the challenges of
life. In my younger years, I used humor
as an escape. It helped me deal with the
difficult situations that unfolded within my home. As I grew older, I used humor to hide my true
feelings. However, today as a mature
adult, I’m able to use humor to bring laughter and joy into people’s
lives. I’ve found people are more
willing to trust and be vulnerable when you can make them truly laugh. Goleman (1995) said, “Laughing, like elation,
seems to help people think more broadly and associate more freely, noticing
relationships that might have eluded them otherwise” (p. 85).
Listening with empathy, initiating
connection, and relaxing people with laughter have equipped me to flow in and
out of conversations within a room or a social gathering with ease. From story to story and person to person, my
wife and family watch as I shake hands and make contact. The regularly joke and tell people, “Steve is
running for mayor.” These skills have
helped me in the Air Force as well. As a
senior leader, empathy facilitated wise counsel. Being an extrovert equipped me for public
speaking and team exercises. And lastly,
in a deployed environment, stress can be very weighty. Lightening the mood with laughter helps bring
balance to an otherwise tense and uncertain situation.
As an avid learner seeking
continuous growth, one of the areas identified by McKay, Davis, & Fanning
(2009) that can enhance my communication abilities, is “to take risks,
particularly by revealing your negative feelings” (p. 217). Oftentimes, I’ll hold back on immediately professing
certain negative feelings toward another person. Rather, I ponder the thoughts, weigh them in
light of all the information, and often let them fade away. Unfortunately, they usually come up again but
with greater ferocity than had I brought up the feeling initially.
My pastor and I had lunch today and
he said, “You never know the depth of a friendship until it’s tested.” By practicing the social contact skills
identified in McKay, Davis, & Fanning’s Messages
and continuing to develop my leadership skills, I will grow even stronger as a
friend and a confidant.
Legacy
lives.
Steve
References:
Goleman,
D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence.
New York, NY: Random House.
McKay,
M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
No comments:
Post a Comment