A520.4.3.RB_RuggerioSteven

Money Isn't Everything

In Arc of Ambition, Champy & Nohria (2000) said, “People who reach exceptional heights may differ from each other, but one thing they all share is a clear goal born of some organizing purpose that summons their talents, aims their efforts, and steers them in the right direction.  A compelling purpose is the ambitious person’s true north, keeping him or her on course” (p. 115).  In short, “the need for meaning drives achievement.”

In a private meeting, Pierre Hessler demonstrated what it means to be a coach, a mentor, and a leader, when he told Andy Mulholland to be careful about making decisions solely for money.  He challenged him to consider three other motivators when moving forward into one’s destiny and purpose.  Sometimes it takes another person to shake us loose from the allure of money.  Caught by the windfall and an imagination run amok, we can easily find ourselves shaking hands and agreeing for a larger piece of the pie only to find later that we’ve sold our souls for a higher salary.  Mulholland’s three motivators are grounding and help provide a perspective to minimize future regret.

First, Mulholland proclaimed that we should, “Do interesting work.”  Whetten & Cameron (2011) identified “What motivates workers?” and found, “While research results highlight differences in what organizational members tend to see as highly motivating aspects of their work, on average, employees placed the highest value on “interesting work” (p. 346).  This scored higher than job security, good wages, and even good working conditions.

Secondly, Mulholland identified, “To expand skill set.”  Growth is a natural by-product of a successful venture.  If something is alive, it grows.  If it isn’t, it dies; and sometimes, slowly and painfully.  Mulholland’s point on “expanding skills” ties into the growth potential of individuals.  Stagnancy and complacency drain the life out of a person’s purpose.  When companies provide opportunities for employees to grow and expand their abilities, they receive an inherent benefit that is much more rewarding than a scheduled paycheck.  Growth is life.  When leaders stretch and enhance a follower’s skill set, they connect to the inner drive and motivation in a way that money can’t.

Lastly, Mulholland identified the most important aspect of motivation, “To be recognized and valued.”  Recognition and affirmation are powerful motivating tools when used authentically and correctly.  I realized the positive and negative effects of affirmation versus pay when I was studying for promotion in the Air Force.  Regardless of the number of “weighted” factors that were involved in the promotion system, if one did not study the material, they would fail to get promoted.  Therefore, I studied diligently for 2-3 hours each day over a period of six months. 

Hoping to motivate me, my wife calculated the pay increase if I got promoted.  Knowing there would be early mornings and long nights; she identified the financial increase and posted it on my desk as a motivator.  However, regardless of the pay increase, when I would get tired and dreary from the long hours of studying, the potential pay increase did not shake me from my slumber.  Rather, what worked without fail was an exercise I conducted in my imagination.

When an individual is promoted, the squadron senior leaders (to include the commander) file into the promotee’s office and congratulate him or her while handing them their new stripe.  The other “non-promotees” are bypassed and ignored with a “better luck next year” pat-on-the-back.  I was one of the non-promotee and the sting of the failure was greater than the joy of promotion.  When I would get tired and distracted from studying, I would remember the feeling of being “bypassed” and the accompanying pain of defeat.  That “office” moment motivated me much more than a few hundred dollars a month.

In True North, Bill George (2007) said, “Many leaders turn down higher-paying jobs early in their career decisions in order to pursue roles they would enjoy.  They came out ahead in the end—in both satisfaction and compensation—because they were successful in doing what they loved” (p. 110). 

My personal motivations include Mulholland’s three key elements of interesting work, professional growth, and making a valuable contribution.  In addition to those, I am also motivated by personal growth, helping others develop, and being true to my beliefs. 

Mulholland highlighted the importance of expanding one’s skills and the external and intrinsic rewards that accompany professional growth.  In a similar fashion, I am motivated by a deep desire for personal growth.  There is no better time in the history of the world to be a leader than today.  My daily decisions are designed to strengthen my integrity, fortify my character, and enrich my gratitude.  Rather than leave these qualities to chance, I intentionally pursue opportunities that will enhance my personal development as a husband, father, and leader.

The best avenue to develop these attributes is by “helping others grow.”  By focusing on other people and facilitating their personal development, everyone becomes stronger.  Witnessing follower’s growth and development motivates me to be even better.  By pouring my life into others, I realize that my legacy will outlive me.  With half of my life behind me, I find great fulfillment in knowing that today’s investment into other people will still be making a difference long after I am gone.

And lastly, the most important motivating factor for me is to be true to my beliefs.  Without core convictions and a foundation of faith, I am nothing more than a few catch phrases surrounding the power of positive thinking.  By living according to principles greater than me, I am able to avoid destructive pride and selfish motivations.  Holding fast to my faith and a belief in servant leadership, forgiveness, love, and mercy, I will demonstrate that money, power, and success is not the pinnacle of a life well lived.  Rather, by living according to my beliefs and caring more about others than my own comfort, I hope I encourage others to do the same.  I’ve found that modeling behavior is much more inspiring than mere demands or instructions.

Finally, to quote Bill George again, “Discovering your True North takes a lifetime of commitment and learning.  Each day, as you are tested in the world, you yearn to look at yourself in the mirror and respect the person you see and the life you have chosen to lead.  Some days will be better than others, but as long as you are true to who you are, you can cope with the most difficult circumstances that life presents” (p. xxiii).

My True North is a great combination of Mulholland’s interesting work, professional growth, and lasting value integrated with my personal development, an authentic care for others, and a foundation of faith and principles.   

Steve

References:

Champy, J., & Nohria, N. (2000). The arc of ambition. Cambridge, MA: Basic Books.

George, B. (2007). True north. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Whetten, D.A., & Cameron, K.S. (2011). Developing management skills. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.

A520.3.5.RB_RuggerioSteven

Supportive Communication: Eight Keys to a Happy Marriage

Frank Dance, an American communication professor, said, “Human communication permeates the human condition.  Human communication surrounds us and is an in-built aspect of everything human beings are and do.  That makes any effort to explain, predict, or to some extent control human communication a pretty big order.  How does one get a handle on the totality of human communication?”  Improving communication across society seems akin to the common cold.  Everyone is aware of its negative effects, no one is immune, and rather than try to cure it, we simply treat it.  Two years ago, I watched the HBO series John Adams.  I was struck by the verbal excellence of eighteenth century leaders.  Yesterday I finished watching the PBS series Downton Abby (late 1800s through mid 1900s).  Again, the dialogue and dialect is an auditory adventure.  How have we drifted so far from excellent speech? 

Whether you want to blame it on technology, lackluster education, or laziness, communication is not what it once was.  Rather than respect the communication process, many live with a steady state of misunderstandings and lack of connection.  I’m reminded of Karl Bonhoeffer, the father of the German theologian and Christian martyr, Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  Eric Metaxas (2010) wrote, “Karl Bonhoeffer taught his children to speak only when they had something to say.  He did not tolerate sloppiness of expression any more than he tolerated self-pity or selfishness or boastful pride” (p. 15).  He believed our words defined our character.  Metaxas continues, “The Bonhoeffer children were taught to be in firm control of their emotions.  Emotionalism, like sloppy communication, was thought to be self-indulgent.”

Though we drifted, there are many who continue to promote the value and importance of strengthening and improving our communication process.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Human relationships are becoming more important, not less, as the information age unfolds and technologies encroach even more on our daily lives” (p. 4).  If our leaders hope to overcome the technological challenges and unite people, then they must pave the communication pathway.  It will not be an easy task.  Whether at work, home, or church, improving communication is an investment in relationships and leadership that we must possess.  The eight supportive communication techniques identified by Whetten & Cameron are key instrumental factors that leaders must embrace if they ever hope to change the world for the better.

As a pastoral intern, much of my time is spent coaching and counseling men and married couples.  Everyone has personal challenges that affect their life to some degree.  My role as a pastor is to help men and women find their rightful place and purpose in life.  Some would call my activities “life coaching” or “spiritual leadership.”  My goal is to guide people to a life characterized by self-improvement and service; to arrive at the end of life with no regrets.  Incorporating the eight attributes of supportive communication when ministering to people should facilitate closer relationships, build trust and credibility, and increase my abilities as a leader.  Supportive communication seeks to preserve or enhance a positive relationship between you and another person while still addressing a problem, giving negative feedback, or tackling a difficult issue (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  As a marriage counselor, my wife and I deal with very emotional issues.  I will describe the eight attributes and expected outcomes as applied to marriage counseling involving poor communication between spouses.

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Ineffective communication may lead individuals to dislike each other, be offended by each other, refuse to listen to each other, and disagree with each other, as well as cause a host of other interpersonal problems” (p. 243).  Communication is frequently touted as the number one struggle in marriage.  Improving one’s ability to communicate will immediately improve one’s relationship.  Applying these attributes would reduce outlandish lawyer fees, counseling bills, and maybe even decrease the divorce rate.  Here’s what I expect from incorporating supportive communication tools:

1.) Congruent, Not Incongruent – a focus on honest messages where verbal statements match thoughts and feelings.  Common frustrations from both husbands and wives are those surrounding congruent communication.  He asked, “What’s wrong?” and she replied, “Nothing!”  With a rigid stance and short answer, her incongruence pushes him away rather than pulling him in.  She asks, “Please tell me what’s bothering you.” and he grunts or nods and walks away.  She is left alone and distant, longing for a vulnerable connection.  

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Accurate interpretation and effective message delivery depends on relationships of trust and shared context” (p. 239).  Moreover, to increase trust, “genuine, honest statements are always better than artificial or dishonest statements.  Genuineness and authenticity is at the heart of positive relationships” (p. 247).  Congruent communication will create a foundation of trust, vulnerability, and respect.  In short, say what you mean and mean what you say.  But, present it with humility and gentleness.

2.) Descriptive, Not Evaluative – a focus on describing an objective occurrence, describing your reaction to it, and not offering a suggested alternative.  “He will never change his selfish ways!” “She has been nasty and controlling for thirty years, and I can’t imagine her being different.”  These and many other similar comments are common in marital counseling.  Most people are skeptical about true character change because, sadly, they rarely see people around them changing” (Yerkovich, 2006).  Spouses communicate in an evaluative manner much more than in a descriptive manner.  They label each other with negative terms.  Left with no other recourse but to return fire, spouses get caught in a downward spiral of “Yes, you are,” and “No, I’m not.”

   

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “When people experience positive interactions—even if they are just temporary encounters—they are elevated, revitalized, and enlivened” (p. 238).  If marriages hope to grow and develop, both husband and wife must learn to use descriptive rather than evaluative words.  For starters, address the behavior not the motive.  Deal with your feelings about how you felt and avoid labeling your spouse’s motivation or character.  This takes the focus off your spouse’s identity and places it where it belongs—on the behavior.

3.) Problem-Oriented, Not Person-Oriented – a focus on problems and issues that can be changed rather than people and their characteristics.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) clearly stated, “One problem with person-oriented communication is that, while most people can change their behavior, few can change their basic personalities” (p. 250).  Marriage should be the safest place on earth.  It should be a refuge from what can be at times a cruel and unforgiving world.  Tim Keller (2011) said, “Your spouse’s opinion of you can be a terrible weapon” (p. 161).  While we encourage truth and honesty in communicating concerns and unhappiness, it is each spouse’s responsibility to address the problem and not label the person. 

4.) Validating, Not Invalidating – a focus on statements that communicate respect, flexibility, collaboration, and areas of agreement.  Milan & Kay Yerkovich (2006) said, “The ability to console and bring relief to your spouse when he or she is upset and agitated is foundational to a close, emotional bond” (p. 23).  Communication should be respectful and egalitarian.  Spouses are equal in the marriage; identifying flexibility and mutual benefit will facilitate meaningful and rich connections.  

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Two-way communication is an implied result of respectfulness and flexibility.  Individuals feel validated when they are asked questions and given air-time to express their opinions” (p. 253).  By practicing supportive communication, spouses validate each other as an integral part of the marriage.  Domineering tones and condescending attitudes invalidate one another.   Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (2010) said, “Invalidation sets up barriers in relationships.  Invalidation hurts.  It leads naturally to covering up who you are and what you think because it’s just too risky to do otherwise” (p. 49).  These practices should be avoided and replaced with acceptance and understanding.

5.) Specific, Not Global – a focus on specific events or behaviors and avoid general, extreme, or either-or statements.  General and global statements leave little hope of improvement.  Specific statements clearly identify detailed behaviors and attitudes that can be corrected and addressed.  Blanket comments leave spouses helpless and hopeless.  Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg (2010) said, “Most of us react more to our interpretation of what was said than to what our partner meant and actually did say.  Researchers call this behavior maladaptive attribution.  In other words, people tend to make consistent, negative judgments of their partner’s motives” (p. 202).  Being specific in our communication leaves no room for misinterpretation of behavior or motive.

 6.) Conjunctive, Not Disjunctive – a focus on statements that flow from what has been said previously and facilitate interaction.  One of the most common characteristics of disjunctive behavior within marriage is a lack of equal opportunity to speak.  When one person interrupts another; when someone dominates by controlling “air time,” or when one person keeps speaking over the other, the communication is disjunctive (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  To improve the marriage, spouses must improve their communication.  This can be achieved by more listening and less talking.  Giving your spouse time to explain their feelings and express their concerns without cutting them off or highlighting a behavior that you dislike are instrumental attributes of conjunctive communication.  Too often spouses are formulating a defensive response and not truly listening to their spouse’s concern.  I’ve often told men, “Regardless of whether you believe what your wife is saying, you must listen.  It is truth to her and that is what matters in the moment.”  Spouses will never be able to lead the marriage toward reconciliation if they cannot communicate freely and equally in the early stages of the communication process.

7.) Owned, Not Disowned – a focus on taking responsibility for your own statements by using personal (“I”) words.  Ownership and responsibility are keys to personal growth and to trusting and effective interpersonal relationships (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  John Gottman determined that how couples begin talks about issues determines 96 percent of the subsequent course of the conversation (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010).  That means that starting conversations by avoiding or deflecting responsibility will derail the communication process before it has a chance to begin.  When a spouse “owns a statement” it frees the other to do likewise.  Rather than point fingers and assign blame, spouses should own their respective parts of the problem without assigning responsibilities to the other.  Ownership facilitates vulnerability, forgiveness, and unity.  Disowning actions creates possibilities for blame, shame, and superiority complexes.

8.) Supportive Listening, Not One-Way Listening – a focus on using a variety of appropriate responses, with a bias toward reflective responses.  Listening is the key communication tool within marriage.  Rather than listening to “fix problems,” spouses should listen to understand your spouse’s heart.  Milan and Kay Yerkovich (2006) said, “It takes growth and practice to be an effective speaker and an effective listener.  But, overall, the listener role is more challenging and takes a bit more practice to master” (p. 252).  They further define the goal of listening as “to gain the speaker’s perspective on a situation by asking questions about feelings, thoughts, and experiences” (p. 382).  They identify the following four keys of listening for marriage:

1.     Ask the speaker to stop periodically so you can summarize what you’re hearing

2.     Repeat in your own words what you heard and check for accuracy

3.     Ask questions that will increase your understanding

4.     Respond with empathy

Being a good listener is neither easy nor automatic.  It requires developing the ability to hear and understand the message sent by another person, while at the same time helping to strengthen the relationship between husband and wife.  Practicing the four steps above and having a desire to improve the relationship will help marriages overcome longstanding communication struggles and preconceived hopelessness that has fraught many previous conversations. 

          I’ve often told couples, “If one of you improves your communication, then the marriage improves by 50 percent.  Who wouldn’t want to improve anything by 50 percent?”  While I respect that marriage requires two people, one person has to initiate a better way to communicate.  What is holding you back from being that person?  The effects of a positive relationships are much stronger and more long lasting than just making people feel happy or uplifted.  When individuals are able to build relationships that are positive and that create energy, important physiological, emotional, intellectual, and social consequences result (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  In short, a happy marriage makes for a happy person.

Steve

References:

Keller, T. (2011). The meaning of marriage. New York, NY: Penguin Group.

Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: Jossey Bass.

Metaxas, E. (2010). Bonhoeffer. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.
Whetten, D.A., & Cameron, K.S. (2011). Developing management skills. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.

Yerkovich, M., & Yerkovich, K. (2006). How we love. Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press.

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Decisions:  Principles, Paths, and Payments

Brothers Chip and Dan Heath are Stanford and Duke alumni and authors of the best-selling books Switch and Made to Stick.  In their 2013 release Decisive they said, “If you study the kinds of decisions people make and the outcomes of those decisions, you’ll find that humanity does not have particularly impressive track record” (p. 3).  For the first three and a half decades of my life, my track record is a train wreck of bad decisions. Some were misguided but rightly motivated; but most were terribly selfish and hurtful.  Fortunately, today is considerably different.  Call it age, maturity, experience, or personal transformation, I live by rooted values and filter all my decisions through a matrix of three principles: Faith, Family, and Friends.  Each decision guided by conviction and strengthened with character.

With a strong framework for making decisions, one still requires a path to follow.  The path I pursue is akin to what Whetten & Cameron (2011) describe in Developing Management Skills.  Their four-step process of (1) define the problem, (2) generate alternative solutions, (3) evaluate and select an alternative, and (4) implement and follow-up on the solution are key characteristics of my decision-making formula.  With a framework and a process, I’ve come to recognize some key elements of my decision-making abilities and attributes.  Some words that would describe my decision-making would be cautious (I am not very impulsive), intuitive (I place great weight on an inner sense of peace and/or anxiety), self-motivated (I am incredibly disciplined and aggressive toward self-improvement), active (believe in doing, not simply talking), and lastly, assertive (in a manner of motivation and perseverance).

Hoch & Kunreuther (2001) said, “We think we are making excellent decisions, and as long as the results are good, we don’t look to closely at our decision process.  It is usually only when we look at our failures, that we actually improve our decision-making” (p. 2).  As stated earlier, I have a history of bad decisions and looking at the words that would describe my current decision-making philosophy requires me to look at the opposite of those attributes and how they used to be part of my past.  Some of those words would be: impulsive, logical or calculated, lazy or unmotivated, passive, and unsure.

Although some of these “opposite” characteristics do not seem to define my decision-making philosophy, there are elements within my process at various times.  For instance, though I have a strong intuitive nature, I highly regard the importance and efficiency of logical and calculated decision-making.  For instance, we are considering purchasing a new home.  We visited the new house yesterday and everyone really liked it (even though it needs a few minor repairs).  Buying a new home can feel like an out-of-body experience with life-altering consequences.  With this decision, I am using both intuition and logic.  I am following my heart and inner conviction while using a calculated and measured approach toward finances, logistics, relocation, and taking into consideration all the input of each family member.

While there is certainly room to utilize both intuition and logic, there is little room for laziness and dubiousness.  If I take too much time, the house will get sold underneath us.  If I were too unsure, then it wouldn’t be wise to move forward with such a large purchase.  We have been in our current residence for over sixteen years.  We do not want to walk away from a home where our children were raised and in which we have nearly two decades of memories without being sure of our decision.  We want to follow our heart, use caution, be motivated to take the necessary action, and take steps in a direction that we all feel is right for our family.

With all that said, our decision-making video mention that we should “get comfortable with uncertainty.”  Most decisions carry a degree of uncertainty.  Buying a house will always have uncertainty.  Tonight my wife said, “I don’t want to leave a house we’ve been in for almost twenty years to move into a house that has “hidden” problems.”  Therein lies the uncertainty.  We do the best we can with the information available.  At the end of the day, after I follow the four-step process stated above, I have to move forward believing I made the right decision.  It would be very easy to fall prey to analysis paralysis and avoid making a decision. 

When all said and done, I lean into doing the heavy lifting up front and then praying and believing that God will lead me to make course corrections if and when necessary.  Yes, I expect some of my decisions may be wrong, however, if I’ve done the necessary research and evaluation, then I will be better prepared to make changes later.

Steve

References:

Heath, C., & Heath, D. (2013). Decisive. New York, NY: Crown Publishing Group.

Hoch, S.J., & Kunreuther, H.C. (2001). Wharton on making decisions. New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Whetten, D.A., & Cameron, K. S. (2011). Developing management skill. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.