A520.3.5.RB_RuggerioSteven

Supportive Communication: Eight Keys to a Happy Marriage

Frank Dance, an American communication professor, said, “Human communication permeates the human condition.  Human communication surrounds us and is an in-built aspect of everything human beings are and do.  That makes any effort to explain, predict, or to some extent control human communication a pretty big order.  How does one get a handle on the totality of human communication?”  Improving communication across society seems akin to the common cold.  Everyone is aware of its negative effects, no one is immune, and rather than try to cure it, we simply treat it.  Two years ago, I watched the HBO series John Adams.  I was struck by the verbal excellence of eighteenth century leaders.  Yesterday I finished watching the PBS series Downton Abby (late 1800s through mid 1900s).  Again, the dialogue and dialect is an auditory adventure.  How have we drifted so far from excellent speech? 

Whether you want to blame it on technology, lackluster education, or laziness, communication is not what it once was.  Rather than respect the communication process, many live with a steady state of misunderstandings and lack of connection.  I’m reminded of Karl Bonhoeffer, the father of the German theologian and Christian martyr, Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  Eric Metaxas (2010) wrote, “Karl Bonhoeffer taught his children to speak only when they had something to say.  He did not tolerate sloppiness of expression any more than he tolerated self-pity or selfishness or boastful pride” (p. 15).  He believed our words defined our character.  Metaxas continues, “The Bonhoeffer children were taught to be in firm control of their emotions.  Emotionalism, like sloppy communication, was thought to be self-indulgent.”

Though we drifted, there are many who continue to promote the value and importance of strengthening and improving our communication process.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Human relationships are becoming more important, not less, as the information age unfolds and technologies encroach even more on our daily lives” (p. 4).  If our leaders hope to overcome the technological challenges and unite people, then they must pave the communication pathway.  It will not be an easy task.  Whether at work, home, or church, improving communication is an investment in relationships and leadership that we must possess.  The eight supportive communication techniques identified by Whetten & Cameron are key instrumental factors that leaders must embrace if they ever hope to change the world for the better.

As a pastoral intern, much of my time is spent coaching and counseling men and married couples.  Everyone has personal challenges that affect their life to some degree.  My role as a pastor is to help men and women find their rightful place and purpose in life.  Some would call my activities “life coaching” or “spiritual leadership.”  My goal is to guide people to a life characterized by self-improvement and service; to arrive at the end of life with no regrets.  Incorporating the eight attributes of supportive communication when ministering to people should facilitate closer relationships, build trust and credibility, and increase my abilities as a leader.  Supportive communication seeks to preserve or enhance a positive relationship between you and another person while still addressing a problem, giving negative feedback, or tackling a difficult issue (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  As a marriage counselor, my wife and I deal with very emotional issues.  I will describe the eight attributes and expected outcomes as applied to marriage counseling involving poor communication between spouses.

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Ineffective communication may lead individuals to dislike each other, be offended by each other, refuse to listen to each other, and disagree with each other, as well as cause a host of other interpersonal problems” (p. 243).  Communication is frequently touted as the number one struggle in marriage.  Improving one’s ability to communicate will immediately improve one’s relationship.  Applying these attributes would reduce outlandish lawyer fees, counseling bills, and maybe even decrease the divorce rate.  Here’s what I expect from incorporating supportive communication tools:

1.) Congruent, Not Incongruent – a focus on honest messages where verbal statements match thoughts and feelings.  Common frustrations from both husbands and wives are those surrounding congruent communication.  He asked, “What’s wrong?” and she replied, “Nothing!”  With a rigid stance and short answer, her incongruence pushes him away rather than pulling him in.  She asks, “Please tell me what’s bothering you.” and he grunts or nods and walks away.  She is left alone and distant, longing for a vulnerable connection.  

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Accurate interpretation and effective message delivery depends on relationships of trust and shared context” (p. 239).  Moreover, to increase trust, “genuine, honest statements are always better than artificial or dishonest statements.  Genuineness and authenticity is at the heart of positive relationships” (p. 247).  Congruent communication will create a foundation of trust, vulnerability, and respect.  In short, say what you mean and mean what you say.  But, present it with humility and gentleness.

2.) Descriptive, Not Evaluative – a focus on describing an objective occurrence, describing your reaction to it, and not offering a suggested alternative.  “He will never change his selfish ways!” “She has been nasty and controlling for thirty years, and I can’t imagine her being different.”  These and many other similar comments are common in marital counseling.  Most people are skeptical about true character change because, sadly, they rarely see people around them changing” (Yerkovich, 2006).  Spouses communicate in an evaluative manner much more than in a descriptive manner.  They label each other with negative terms.  Left with no other recourse but to return fire, spouses get caught in a downward spiral of “Yes, you are,” and “No, I’m not.”

   

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “When people experience positive interactions—even if they are just temporary encounters—they are elevated, revitalized, and enlivened” (p. 238).  If marriages hope to grow and develop, both husband and wife must learn to use descriptive rather than evaluative words.  For starters, address the behavior not the motive.  Deal with your feelings about how you felt and avoid labeling your spouse’s motivation or character.  This takes the focus off your spouse’s identity and places it where it belongs—on the behavior.

3.) Problem-Oriented, Not Person-Oriented – a focus on problems and issues that can be changed rather than people and their characteristics.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) clearly stated, “One problem with person-oriented communication is that, while most people can change their behavior, few can change their basic personalities” (p. 250).  Marriage should be the safest place on earth.  It should be a refuge from what can be at times a cruel and unforgiving world.  Tim Keller (2011) said, “Your spouse’s opinion of you can be a terrible weapon” (p. 161).  While we encourage truth and honesty in communicating concerns and unhappiness, it is each spouse’s responsibility to address the problem and not label the person. 

4.) Validating, Not Invalidating – a focus on statements that communicate respect, flexibility, collaboration, and areas of agreement.  Milan & Kay Yerkovich (2006) said, “The ability to console and bring relief to your spouse when he or she is upset and agitated is foundational to a close, emotional bond” (p. 23).  Communication should be respectful and egalitarian.  Spouses are equal in the marriage; identifying flexibility and mutual benefit will facilitate meaningful and rich connections.  

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Two-way communication is an implied result of respectfulness and flexibility.  Individuals feel validated when they are asked questions and given air-time to express their opinions” (p. 253).  By practicing supportive communication, spouses validate each other as an integral part of the marriage.  Domineering tones and condescending attitudes invalidate one another.   Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (2010) said, “Invalidation sets up barriers in relationships.  Invalidation hurts.  It leads naturally to covering up who you are and what you think because it’s just too risky to do otherwise” (p. 49).  These practices should be avoided and replaced with acceptance and understanding.

5.) Specific, Not Global – a focus on specific events or behaviors and avoid general, extreme, or either-or statements.  General and global statements leave little hope of improvement.  Specific statements clearly identify detailed behaviors and attitudes that can be corrected and addressed.  Blanket comments leave spouses helpless and hopeless.  Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg (2010) said, “Most of us react more to our interpretation of what was said than to what our partner meant and actually did say.  Researchers call this behavior maladaptive attribution.  In other words, people tend to make consistent, negative judgments of their partner’s motives” (p. 202).  Being specific in our communication leaves no room for misinterpretation of behavior or motive.

 6.) Conjunctive, Not Disjunctive – a focus on statements that flow from what has been said previously and facilitate interaction.  One of the most common characteristics of disjunctive behavior within marriage is a lack of equal opportunity to speak.  When one person interrupts another; when someone dominates by controlling “air time,” or when one person keeps speaking over the other, the communication is disjunctive (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  To improve the marriage, spouses must improve their communication.  This can be achieved by more listening and less talking.  Giving your spouse time to explain their feelings and express their concerns without cutting them off or highlighting a behavior that you dislike are instrumental attributes of conjunctive communication.  Too often spouses are formulating a defensive response and not truly listening to their spouse’s concern.  I’ve often told men, “Regardless of whether you believe what your wife is saying, you must listen.  It is truth to her and that is what matters in the moment.”  Spouses will never be able to lead the marriage toward reconciliation if they cannot communicate freely and equally in the early stages of the communication process.

7.) Owned, Not Disowned – a focus on taking responsibility for your own statements by using personal (“I”) words.  Ownership and responsibility are keys to personal growth and to trusting and effective interpersonal relationships (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  John Gottman determined that how couples begin talks about issues determines 96 percent of the subsequent course of the conversation (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010).  That means that starting conversations by avoiding or deflecting responsibility will derail the communication process before it has a chance to begin.  When a spouse “owns a statement” it frees the other to do likewise.  Rather than point fingers and assign blame, spouses should own their respective parts of the problem without assigning responsibilities to the other.  Ownership facilitates vulnerability, forgiveness, and unity.  Disowning actions creates possibilities for blame, shame, and superiority complexes.

8.) Supportive Listening, Not One-Way Listening – a focus on using a variety of appropriate responses, with a bias toward reflective responses.  Listening is the key communication tool within marriage.  Rather than listening to “fix problems,” spouses should listen to understand your spouse’s heart.  Milan and Kay Yerkovich (2006) said, “It takes growth and practice to be an effective speaker and an effective listener.  But, overall, the listener role is more challenging and takes a bit more practice to master” (p. 252).  They further define the goal of listening as “to gain the speaker’s perspective on a situation by asking questions about feelings, thoughts, and experiences” (p. 382).  They identify the following four keys of listening for marriage:

1.     Ask the speaker to stop periodically so you can summarize what you’re hearing

2.     Repeat in your own words what you heard and check for accuracy

3.     Ask questions that will increase your understanding

4.     Respond with empathy

Being a good listener is neither easy nor automatic.  It requires developing the ability to hear and understand the message sent by another person, while at the same time helping to strengthen the relationship between husband and wife.  Practicing the four steps above and having a desire to improve the relationship will help marriages overcome longstanding communication struggles and preconceived hopelessness that has fraught many previous conversations. 

          I’ve often told couples, “If one of you improves your communication, then the marriage improves by 50 percent.  Who wouldn’t want to improve anything by 50 percent?”  While I respect that marriage requires two people, one person has to initiate a better way to communicate.  What is holding you back from being that person?  The effects of a positive relationships are much stronger and more long lasting than just making people feel happy or uplifted.  When individuals are able to build relationships that are positive and that create energy, important physiological, emotional, intellectual, and social consequences result (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  In short, a happy marriage makes for a happy person.

Steve

References:

Keller, T. (2011). The meaning of marriage. New York, NY: Penguin Group.

Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: Jossey Bass.

Metaxas, E. (2010). Bonhoeffer. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.
Whetten, D.A., & Cameron, K.S. (2011). Developing management skills. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.

Yerkovich, M., & Yerkovich, K. (2006). How we love. Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press.