Saturday, January 25, 2014

A520.2.3.RB_RuggerioSteven

Conflict, Communication, and Counseling


In Love and War, John and Staci Eldredge (2009) said, “Somewhere along the way we all lose heart in marriage. We all do. It happens to the best of us. We might find a way to manage our disappointment and we might do our best to fight off resignation, but it works its way in. We let go of what we wanted, what we dreamed of, what we were created for. We begin to settle” (p. 21).  People settle because they stop fighting; or, they fight for the wrong reasons.  
There is no better place than marriage to unpack the challenges of conflict.  Two people with different expectations and belief systems brought together by emotion.  Shortly after the honeymoon, reality sets in and the euphoria that once hid shortcomings fades away only to reveal real life with real problems.  As marriage counselors, we deal with those problems.  We help couples identify root causes, to communicate with gentleness and humility, and we offer hope where so many marriages are hopeless.
Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg (2010) said, “Communication is the lifeblood of a good relationship; it keeps all the good things flowing and removes blockages that most couples experience day-to-day” (p. 106).  Sex, money, children, in-laws, control, commitment, and communication all top the list for topics most often on the table in heated marital discussions.  And, unfortunately, the success rate for marriage counseling is not impressive primarily because by the time someone reaches out for help, the ship is halfway underwater.  However, successful marriage counseling is like the perfect golf swing: it doesn’t happen often but when it does, it encourages you to come back for more.  One of those “perfect swings” for us was James and Nancy (not their real name) who came seeking help in 2008. 
  Infidelity shatters relationships.  Trust is broken, hearts are wounded, dreams are lost, and the future that once shone brightly is as dark as a moonless night.  James admitted his betrayal and promised a willingness to change.  Nancy wasn’t sure whether she wanted to fight for the marriage or pack-up and leave.  In the middle of the conflict were three young boys.  They sat before my wife and I desperate, hopeless, and unsure of what actions to take to begin repairing what was fractured and restoring what was lost.
There are no simple solutions when a heart is broken.  No quick fixes.  As any couple in the process of recovering from an affair can attest, picking up the pieces of your marriage is not easy, quick, predictable, rational, or linear; people involved in infidelity rarely act rationally.  Affairs do strange things to people. A sense of normalcy is lost.  New boundaries have to be established (Carder, 1992). 
Each counseling situation is different.  With James and Nancy, I set-up individual meetings with the spouses separately and then I scheduled meetings with them together.  I scheduled separate sessions for the husband and wife because initially each person has different counseling needs.  When I met with James, I was able to ask him hard questions surrounding the affair that would have been extremely painful to Nancy at this juncture.  I met separately with Nancy to ascertain her willingness to move forward.  Either way, there had to be an initial individual evaluation to determine the course of action necessary to restore the marriage.
After meeting separately, my wife and I met with James and Nancy 2-3 times a month.  With each counseling session, we guided them in sharing some of the hidden issues that led to the inability to communicate with honesty and vulnerability.  As Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg (2010) stated, “When dealing with hidden issues, it’s very important to focus less on problem solving and ore on hearing each other’s thoughts and feelings.”  Moreover, they said, “Often you don’t solve hidden issues, rather you soothe them through mutual understanding, respect, and acceptance” (p. 156).  As a third party, we facilitated discussions that should have been occurring but weren’t.
We follow a six-step counseling process similar to what Whetten & Cameron (2011) highlight in their Mediator-Problem Identification guidance for conflict:

M-1. Acknowledge that a problem exists and propose a problem-solving approach for resolving it.  Deciding to meet separately and then jointly is part of this approach.  We were able to identify the current relationship and forecast the most efficient way forward.  Step one entailed clearly defining the immediate problem.  In this case, it was James unfaithfulness and the lack of both parties to openly communicate their dissatisfaction with the present state of the marriage.

M-2. Seeking out the perspective of both parties, maintain a neutral posture regarding the disputants—if not the issues. As difficult as an affair can be on a relationship, it often has the power to open couples up to conversations they never had previously experienced.  With the marriage often in ruins, couples begin to be honest for the first time.  They share fears, disappointment, and unmet expectations.  As counselor, we recognize that much of the initial sharing is based on selfish motives and rationalizations.

M-3. Serve as facilitator, not as judge. Nothing surprises us anymore.  After a decade of marriage counseling, we have been exposed to terrible decisions and unthinkable actions.  Through our sessions, my wife and I remain neutral and listen without judging.  Our responsibility is to lead them individually and collectively to a place of healing and forgiveness.  While we never minimize the infractions and selfishness, we lead them through to a life of healing and forgiveness.

M-4. Manage the discussion to ensure fairness—keep the discussion issue oriented, not personality oriented.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “It is important that the mediator maintain a problem-solving atmosphere throughout the discussion. This is not to say that strong emotional statements don’t have their place” (p. 400).  There were times in the counseling session that James tried to rationalize his behavior.  He tried to displace responsibility and make excuses for his adultery.  Rather than allow Nancy to blow up and attack (which he may have initially shut out), I would step in and speak firmly and intentionally against his selfishness and manipulation.  Hearing his wrong from a third party caused him to listen and respond appropriately.  The adulterer is a master manipulator.  Calling out the manipulation and addressing the selfishness was a long overdue wake-up call that James needed to hear.

M-5. Explore options by focusing on interests, not positions.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “positions are demands, whereas interests are the underlying needs, values, goals, or concerns behind the demands” (p. 401).  During this stage, we seek to identify mutually desires, united goals, and willing parallels.  For instance, both want a fulfilling marriage, both want to be there for the children, and both want an environment of love and respect.  My wife and I help paint a picture of the possibilities and promises of their desires.  We are honest about the difficult road ahead but we help them see where they agree and teach them to discuss and work through the issues where they disagree.

M-6. Make sure all parties fully understand and support the solution agreed upon, and establish follow-up procedures.  Usually, after an affair, both parties are committed to having the difficult discussions, to focusing their attention on their spouse, and are even excited about the possibilities of a new marriage.  However, just like their original honeymoon period, this also wears off.  And, when it does, couples have a tendency to drift right back into the same behaviors that led one or both of them into an affair.  As counselors, we continue to remind them of their current opportunity and the dangers involved with “drifting.”  We establish regular follow-ups and homework assignments to help keep them focused as time goes by.  

For every one marriage that stays together after counseling and thrives there are a handful that collapse a few months later.  One of the key aspects of counseling for my wife and I is that we learn as well.  Each situation is different and each person has varying expectations.  By making ourselves available to hurting marriages, my wife and I learn how to help them AND us.  As a result, our marriage is stronger and we regularly “practice what we preach” and apply the communication techniques we describe to our clients.

Steve

References:
Carder, D.M. (1995). Torn asunder. Chicago, IL: Moody Press.
Eldredge, J., & Eldredge, S. (2009). Love and war. New York, NY: Random House.
Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Whetton, D.A., & Cameron, K.S. (2011) Developing management skills. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.

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