Conflict, Communication, and Counseling
In Love and War, John and Staci Eldredge
(2009) said, “Somewhere along the way we all lose heart in marriage. We all do.
It happens to the best of us. We might find a way to manage our disappointment
and we might do our best to fight off resignation, but it works its way in. We
let go of what we wanted, what we dreamed of, what we were created for. We
begin to settle” (p. 21). People settle
because they stop fighting; or, they fight for the wrong reasons.
There is no better
place than marriage to unpack the challenges of conflict. Two people with different expectations and
belief systems brought together by emotion.
Shortly after the honeymoon, reality sets in and the euphoria that once
hid shortcomings fades away only to reveal real life with real problems. As marriage counselors, we deal with those
problems. We help couples identify root
causes, to communicate with gentleness and humility, and we offer hope where so
many marriages are hopeless.
Markman, Stanley,
& Blumberg (2010) said, “Communication is the lifeblood of a good
relationship; it keeps all the good things flowing and removes blockages that
most couples experience day-to-day” (p. 106). Sex, money, children, in-laws, control,
commitment, and communication all top the list for topics most often on the
table in heated marital discussions. And,
unfortunately, the success rate for marriage counseling is not impressive
primarily because by the time someone reaches out for help, the ship is halfway
underwater. However, successful marriage
counseling is like the perfect golf swing: it doesn’t happen often but when it
does, it encourages you to come back for more.
One of those “perfect swings” for us was James and Nancy (not their real
name) who came seeking help in 2008.
Infidelity shatters relationships. Trust is broken, hearts are wounded, dreams
are lost, and the future that once shone brightly is as dark as a moonless
night. James admitted his betrayal and
promised a willingness to change. Nancy
wasn’t sure whether she wanted to fight for the marriage or pack-up and
leave. In the middle of the conflict
were three young boys. They sat before
my wife and I desperate, hopeless, and unsure of what actions to take to begin
repairing what was fractured and restoring what was lost.
There are no simple
solutions when a heart is broken. No quick
fixes. As any couple in the process of
recovering from an affair can attest, picking up the pieces of your marriage is
not easy, quick, predictable, rational, or linear; people involved in
infidelity rarely act rationally.
Affairs do strange things to people. A sense of normalcy is lost. New boundaries have to be established
(Carder, 1992).
Each counseling
situation is different. With James and
Nancy, I set-up individual meetings with the spouses separately and then I
scheduled meetings with them together. I
scheduled separate sessions for the husband and wife because initially each
person has different counseling needs.
When I met with James, I was able to ask him hard questions surrounding
the affair that would have been extremely painful to Nancy at this
juncture. I met separately with Nancy to
ascertain her willingness to move forward.
Either way, there had to be an initial individual evaluation to determine
the course of action necessary to restore the marriage.
After meeting
separately, my wife and I met with James and Nancy 2-3 times a month. With each counseling session, we guided them
in sharing some of the hidden issues that led to the inability to communicate
with honesty and vulnerability. As
Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg (2010) stated, “When dealing with hidden
issues, it’s very important to focus less on problem solving and ore on hearing
each other’s thoughts and feelings.”
Moreover, they said, “Often you don’t solve hidden issues, rather you
soothe them through mutual understanding, respect, and acceptance” (p. 156). As a third party, we facilitated discussions
that should have been occurring but weren’t.
We follow a
six-step counseling process similar to what Whetten & Cameron (2011)
highlight in their Mediator-Problem
Identification guidance for conflict:
M-1. Acknowledge that a problem
exists and propose a problem-solving approach for resolving it. Deciding to meet separately and then jointly
is part of this approach. We were able
to identify the current relationship and forecast the most efficient way
forward. Step one entailed clearly
defining the immediate problem. In this
case, it was James unfaithfulness and the lack of both parties to openly
communicate their dissatisfaction with the present state of the marriage.
M-2. Seeking out the perspective
of both parties, maintain a neutral posture regarding the disputants—if not the
issues. As difficult as an affair can be on a relationship, it often
has the power to open couples up to conversations they never had previously
experienced. With the marriage often in
ruins, couples begin to be honest for the first time. They share fears, disappointment, and unmet
expectations. As counselor, we recognize
that much of the initial sharing is based on selfish motives and
rationalizations.
M-3. Serve as facilitator, not as
judge. Nothing surprises us anymore.
After a decade of marriage counseling, we have been exposed to terrible
decisions and unthinkable actions.
Through our sessions, my wife and I remain neutral and listen without
judging. Our responsibility is to lead
them individually and collectively to a place of healing and forgiveness. While we never minimize the infractions and
selfishness, we lead them through to a life of healing and forgiveness.
M-4. Manage the discussion to
ensure fairness—keep the discussion issue oriented, not personality oriented. Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “It is
important that the mediator maintain a problem-solving atmosphere throughout
the discussion. This is not to say that strong emotional statements don’t have
their place” (p. 400). There were times
in the counseling session that James tried to rationalize his behavior. He tried to displace responsibility and make
excuses for his adultery. Rather than
allow Nancy to blow up and attack (which he may have initially shut out), I
would step in and speak firmly and intentionally against his selfishness and
manipulation. Hearing his wrong from a
third party caused him to listen and respond appropriately. The adulterer is a master manipulator. Calling out the manipulation and addressing
the selfishness was a long overdue wake-up call that James needed to hear.
M-5. Explore options by focusing
on interests, not positions.
Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “positions are demands, whereas
interests are the underlying needs, values, goals, or concerns behind the
demands” (p. 401). During this stage, we
seek to identify mutually desires, united goals, and willing parallels. For instance, both want a fulfilling
marriage, both want to be there for the children, and both want an environment
of love and respect. My wife and I help
paint a picture of the possibilities and promises of their desires. We are honest about the difficult road ahead
but we help them see where they agree and teach them to discuss and work
through the issues where they disagree.
M-6. Make sure all parties fully
understand and support the solution agreed upon, and establish follow-up procedures. Usually, after an affair, both parties are
committed to having the difficult discussions, to focusing their attention on
their spouse, and are even excited about the possibilities of a new marriage. However, just like their original honeymoon period,
this also wears off. And, when it does,
couples have a tendency to drift right back into the same behaviors that led
one or both of them into an affair. As
counselors, we continue to remind them of their current opportunity and the
dangers involved with “drifting.” We
establish regular follow-ups and homework assignments to help keep them focused
as time goes by.
For every one marriage that stays
together after counseling and thrives there are a handful that collapse a few
months later. One of the key aspects of
counseling for my wife and I is that we learn as well. Each situation is different and each person
has varying expectations. By making
ourselves available to hurting marriages, my wife and I learn how to help them
AND us. As a result, our marriage is
stronger and we regularly “practice what we preach” and apply the communication
techniques we describe to our clients.
Steve
References:
Carder, D.M. (1995). Torn asunder.
Chicago, IL: Moody Press.
Eldredge, J., & Eldredge, S.
(2009). Love and war. New York, NY: Random House.
Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., &
Blumberg, S.L. (2010). Fighting for your
marriage. San Francisco, CA: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Whetton, D.A., & Cameron, K.S.
(2011) Developing management skills.
Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.
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