A520.3.5.RB_RuggerioSteven

Supportive Communication: Eight Keys to a Happy Marriage

Frank Dance, an American communication professor, said, “Human communication permeates the human condition.  Human communication surrounds us and is an in-built aspect of everything human beings are and do.  That makes any effort to explain, predict, or to some extent control human communication a pretty big order.  How does one get a handle on the totality of human communication?”  Improving communication across society seems akin to the common cold.  Everyone is aware of its negative effects, no one is immune, and rather than try to cure it, we simply treat it.  Two years ago, I watched the HBO series John Adams.  I was struck by the verbal excellence of eighteenth century leaders.  Yesterday I finished watching the PBS series Downton Abby (late 1800s through mid 1900s).  Again, the dialogue and dialect is an auditory adventure.  How have we drifted so far from excellent speech? 

Whether you want to blame it on technology, lackluster education, or laziness, communication is not what it once was.  Rather than respect the communication process, many live with a steady state of misunderstandings and lack of connection.  I’m reminded of Karl Bonhoeffer, the father of the German theologian and Christian martyr, Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  Eric Metaxas (2010) wrote, “Karl Bonhoeffer taught his children to speak only when they had something to say.  He did not tolerate sloppiness of expression any more than he tolerated self-pity or selfishness or boastful pride” (p. 15).  He believed our words defined our character.  Metaxas continues, “The Bonhoeffer children were taught to be in firm control of their emotions.  Emotionalism, like sloppy communication, was thought to be self-indulgent.”

Though we drifted, there are many who continue to promote the value and importance of strengthening and improving our communication process.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Human relationships are becoming more important, not less, as the information age unfolds and technologies encroach even more on our daily lives” (p. 4).  If our leaders hope to overcome the technological challenges and unite people, then they must pave the communication pathway.  It will not be an easy task.  Whether at work, home, or church, improving communication is an investment in relationships and leadership that we must possess.  The eight supportive communication techniques identified by Whetten & Cameron are key instrumental factors that leaders must embrace if they ever hope to change the world for the better.

As a pastoral intern, much of my time is spent coaching and counseling men and married couples.  Everyone has personal challenges that affect their life to some degree.  My role as a pastor is to help men and women find their rightful place and purpose in life.  Some would call my activities “life coaching” or “spiritual leadership.”  My goal is to guide people to a life characterized by self-improvement and service; to arrive at the end of life with no regrets.  Incorporating the eight attributes of supportive communication when ministering to people should facilitate closer relationships, build trust and credibility, and increase my abilities as a leader.  Supportive communication seeks to preserve or enhance a positive relationship between you and another person while still addressing a problem, giving negative feedback, or tackling a difficult issue (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  As a marriage counselor, my wife and I deal with very emotional issues.  I will describe the eight attributes and expected outcomes as applied to marriage counseling involving poor communication between spouses.

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Ineffective communication may lead individuals to dislike each other, be offended by each other, refuse to listen to each other, and disagree with each other, as well as cause a host of other interpersonal problems” (p. 243).  Communication is frequently touted as the number one struggle in marriage.  Improving one’s ability to communicate will immediately improve one’s relationship.  Applying these attributes would reduce outlandish lawyer fees, counseling bills, and maybe even decrease the divorce rate.  Here’s what I expect from incorporating supportive communication tools:

1.) Congruent, Not Incongruent – a focus on honest messages where verbal statements match thoughts and feelings.  Common frustrations from both husbands and wives are those surrounding congruent communication.  He asked, “What’s wrong?” and she replied, “Nothing!”  With a rigid stance and short answer, her incongruence pushes him away rather than pulling him in.  She asks, “Please tell me what’s bothering you.” and he grunts or nods and walks away.  She is left alone and distant, longing for a vulnerable connection.  

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Accurate interpretation and effective message delivery depends on relationships of trust and shared context” (p. 239).  Moreover, to increase trust, “genuine, honest statements are always better than artificial or dishonest statements.  Genuineness and authenticity is at the heart of positive relationships” (p. 247).  Congruent communication will create a foundation of trust, vulnerability, and respect.  In short, say what you mean and mean what you say.  But, present it with humility and gentleness.

2.) Descriptive, Not Evaluative – a focus on describing an objective occurrence, describing your reaction to it, and not offering a suggested alternative.  “He will never change his selfish ways!” “She has been nasty and controlling for thirty years, and I can’t imagine her being different.”  These and many other similar comments are common in marital counseling.  Most people are skeptical about true character change because, sadly, they rarely see people around them changing” (Yerkovich, 2006).  Spouses communicate in an evaluative manner much more than in a descriptive manner.  They label each other with negative terms.  Left with no other recourse but to return fire, spouses get caught in a downward spiral of “Yes, you are,” and “No, I’m not.”

   

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “When people experience positive interactions—even if they are just temporary encounters—they are elevated, revitalized, and enlivened” (p. 238).  If marriages hope to grow and develop, both husband and wife must learn to use descriptive rather than evaluative words.  For starters, address the behavior not the motive.  Deal with your feelings about how you felt and avoid labeling your spouse’s motivation or character.  This takes the focus off your spouse’s identity and places it where it belongs—on the behavior.

3.) Problem-Oriented, Not Person-Oriented – a focus on problems and issues that can be changed rather than people and their characteristics.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) clearly stated, “One problem with person-oriented communication is that, while most people can change their behavior, few can change their basic personalities” (p. 250).  Marriage should be the safest place on earth.  It should be a refuge from what can be at times a cruel and unforgiving world.  Tim Keller (2011) said, “Your spouse’s opinion of you can be a terrible weapon” (p. 161).  While we encourage truth and honesty in communicating concerns and unhappiness, it is each spouse’s responsibility to address the problem and not label the person. 

4.) Validating, Not Invalidating – a focus on statements that communicate respect, flexibility, collaboration, and areas of agreement.  Milan & Kay Yerkovich (2006) said, “The ability to console and bring relief to your spouse when he or she is upset and agitated is foundational to a close, emotional bond” (p. 23).  Communication should be respectful and egalitarian.  Spouses are equal in the marriage; identifying flexibility and mutual benefit will facilitate meaningful and rich connections.  

Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “Two-way communication is an implied result of respectfulness and flexibility.  Individuals feel validated when they are asked questions and given air-time to express their opinions” (p. 253).  By practicing supportive communication, spouses validate each other as an integral part of the marriage.  Domineering tones and condescending attitudes invalidate one another.   Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (2010) said, “Invalidation sets up barriers in relationships.  Invalidation hurts.  It leads naturally to covering up who you are and what you think because it’s just too risky to do otherwise” (p. 49).  These practices should be avoided and replaced with acceptance and understanding.

5.) Specific, Not Global – a focus on specific events or behaviors and avoid general, extreme, or either-or statements.  General and global statements leave little hope of improvement.  Specific statements clearly identify detailed behaviors and attitudes that can be corrected and addressed.  Blanket comments leave spouses helpless and hopeless.  Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg (2010) said, “Most of us react more to our interpretation of what was said than to what our partner meant and actually did say.  Researchers call this behavior maladaptive attribution.  In other words, people tend to make consistent, negative judgments of their partner’s motives” (p. 202).  Being specific in our communication leaves no room for misinterpretation of behavior or motive.

 6.) Conjunctive, Not Disjunctive – a focus on statements that flow from what has been said previously and facilitate interaction.  One of the most common characteristics of disjunctive behavior within marriage is a lack of equal opportunity to speak.  When one person interrupts another; when someone dominates by controlling “air time,” or when one person keeps speaking over the other, the communication is disjunctive (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  To improve the marriage, spouses must improve their communication.  This can be achieved by more listening and less talking.  Giving your spouse time to explain their feelings and express their concerns without cutting them off or highlighting a behavior that you dislike are instrumental attributes of conjunctive communication.  Too often spouses are formulating a defensive response and not truly listening to their spouse’s concern.  I’ve often told men, “Regardless of whether you believe what your wife is saying, you must listen.  It is truth to her and that is what matters in the moment.”  Spouses will never be able to lead the marriage toward reconciliation if they cannot communicate freely and equally in the early stages of the communication process.

7.) Owned, Not Disowned – a focus on taking responsibility for your own statements by using personal (“I”) words.  Ownership and responsibility are keys to personal growth and to trusting and effective interpersonal relationships (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  John Gottman determined that how couples begin talks about issues determines 96 percent of the subsequent course of the conversation (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010).  That means that starting conversations by avoiding or deflecting responsibility will derail the communication process before it has a chance to begin.  When a spouse “owns a statement” it frees the other to do likewise.  Rather than point fingers and assign blame, spouses should own their respective parts of the problem without assigning responsibilities to the other.  Ownership facilitates vulnerability, forgiveness, and unity.  Disowning actions creates possibilities for blame, shame, and superiority complexes.

8.) Supportive Listening, Not One-Way Listening – a focus on using a variety of appropriate responses, with a bias toward reflective responses.  Listening is the key communication tool within marriage.  Rather than listening to “fix problems,” spouses should listen to understand your spouse’s heart.  Milan and Kay Yerkovich (2006) said, “It takes growth and practice to be an effective speaker and an effective listener.  But, overall, the listener role is more challenging and takes a bit more practice to master” (p. 252).  They further define the goal of listening as “to gain the speaker’s perspective on a situation by asking questions about feelings, thoughts, and experiences” (p. 382).  They identify the following four keys of listening for marriage:

1.     Ask the speaker to stop periodically so you can summarize what you’re hearing

2.     Repeat in your own words what you heard and check for accuracy

3.     Ask questions that will increase your understanding

4.     Respond with empathy

Being a good listener is neither easy nor automatic.  It requires developing the ability to hear and understand the message sent by another person, while at the same time helping to strengthen the relationship between husband and wife.  Practicing the four steps above and having a desire to improve the relationship will help marriages overcome longstanding communication struggles and preconceived hopelessness that has fraught many previous conversations. 

          I’ve often told couples, “If one of you improves your communication, then the marriage improves by 50 percent.  Who wouldn’t want to improve anything by 50 percent?”  While I respect that marriage requires two people, one person has to initiate a better way to communicate.  What is holding you back from being that person?  The effects of a positive relationships are much stronger and more long lasting than just making people feel happy or uplifted.  When individuals are able to build relationships that are positive and that create energy, important physiological, emotional, intellectual, and social consequences result (Whetten & Cameron, 2011).  In short, a happy marriage makes for a happy person.

Steve

References:

Keller, T. (2011). The meaning of marriage. New York, NY: Penguin Group.

Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: Jossey Bass.

Metaxas, E. (2010). Bonhoeffer. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.
Whetten, D.A., & Cameron, K.S. (2011). Developing management skills. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.

Yerkovich, M., & Yerkovich, K. (2006). How we love. Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press.

A520.3.1.RB_RuggerioSteven

Decisions:  Principles, Paths, and Payments

Brothers Chip and Dan Heath are Stanford and Duke alumni and authors of the best-selling books Switch and Made to Stick.  In their 2013 release Decisive they said, “If you study the kinds of decisions people make and the outcomes of those decisions, you’ll find that humanity does not have particularly impressive track record” (p. 3).  For the first three and a half decades of my life, my track record is a train wreck of bad decisions. Some were misguided but rightly motivated; but most were terribly selfish and hurtful.  Fortunately, today is considerably different.  Call it age, maturity, experience, or personal transformation, I live by rooted values and filter all my decisions through a matrix of three principles: Faith, Family, and Friends.  Each decision guided by conviction and strengthened with character.

With a strong framework for making decisions, one still requires a path to follow.  The path I pursue is akin to what Whetten & Cameron (2011) describe in Developing Management Skills.  Their four-step process of (1) define the problem, (2) generate alternative solutions, (3) evaluate and select an alternative, and (4) implement and follow-up on the solution are key characteristics of my decision-making formula.  With a framework and a process, I’ve come to recognize some key elements of my decision-making abilities and attributes.  Some words that would describe my decision-making would be cautious (I am not very impulsive), intuitive (I place great weight on an inner sense of peace and/or anxiety), self-motivated (I am incredibly disciplined and aggressive toward self-improvement), active (believe in doing, not simply talking), and lastly, assertive (in a manner of motivation and perseverance).

Hoch & Kunreuther (2001) said, “We think we are making excellent decisions, and as long as the results are good, we don’t look to closely at our decision process.  It is usually only when we look at our failures, that we actually improve our decision-making” (p. 2).  As stated earlier, I have a history of bad decisions and looking at the words that would describe my current decision-making philosophy requires me to look at the opposite of those attributes and how they used to be part of my past.  Some of those words would be: impulsive, logical or calculated, lazy or unmotivated, passive, and unsure.

Although some of these “opposite” characteristics do not seem to define my decision-making philosophy, there are elements within my process at various times.  For instance, though I have a strong intuitive nature, I highly regard the importance and efficiency of logical and calculated decision-making.  For instance, we are considering purchasing a new home.  We visited the new house yesterday and everyone really liked it (even though it needs a few minor repairs).  Buying a new home can feel like an out-of-body experience with life-altering consequences.  With this decision, I am using both intuition and logic.  I am following my heart and inner conviction while using a calculated and measured approach toward finances, logistics, relocation, and taking into consideration all the input of each family member.

While there is certainly room to utilize both intuition and logic, there is little room for laziness and dubiousness.  If I take too much time, the house will get sold underneath us.  If I were too unsure, then it wouldn’t be wise to move forward with such a large purchase.  We have been in our current residence for over sixteen years.  We do not want to walk away from a home where our children were raised and in which we have nearly two decades of memories without being sure of our decision.  We want to follow our heart, use caution, be motivated to take the necessary action, and take steps in a direction that we all feel is right for our family.

With all that said, our decision-making video mention that we should “get comfortable with uncertainty.”  Most decisions carry a degree of uncertainty.  Buying a house will always have uncertainty.  Tonight my wife said, “I don’t want to leave a house we’ve been in for almost twenty years to move into a house that has “hidden” problems.”  Therein lies the uncertainty.  We do the best we can with the information available.  At the end of the day, after I follow the four-step process stated above, I have to move forward believing I made the right decision.  It would be very easy to fall prey to analysis paralysis and avoid making a decision. 

When all said and done, I lean into doing the heavy lifting up front and then praying and believing that God will lead me to make course corrections if and when necessary.  Yes, I expect some of my decisions may be wrong, however, if I’ve done the necessary research and evaluation, then I will be better prepared to make changes later.

Steve

References:

Heath, C., & Heath, D. (2013). Decisive. New York, NY: Crown Publishing Group.

Hoch, S.J., & Kunreuther, H.C. (2001). Wharton on making decisions. New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Whetten, D.A., & Cameron, K. S. (2011). Developing management skill. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.

A520.2.3.RB_RuggerioSteven

Conflict, Communication, and Counseling

In Love and War, John and Staci Eldredge (2009) said, “Somewhere along the way we all lose heart in marriage. We all do. It happens to the best of us. We might find a way to manage our disappointment and we might do our best to fight off resignation, but it works its way in. We let go of what we wanted, what we dreamed of, what we were created for. We begin to settle” (p. 21).  People settle because they stop fighting; or, they fight for the wrong reasons.  

There is no better place than marriage to unpack the challenges of conflict.  Two people with different expectations and belief systems brought together by emotion.  Shortly after the honeymoon, reality sets in and the euphoria that once hid shortcomings fades away only to reveal real life with real problems.  As marriage counselors, we deal with those problems.  We help couples identify root causes, to communicate with gentleness and humility, and we offer hope where so many marriages are hopeless.

Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg (2010) said, “Communication is the lifeblood of a good relationship; it keeps all the good things flowing and removes blockages that most couples experience day-to-day” (p. 106).  Sex, money, children, in-laws, control, commitment, and communication all top the list for topics most often on the table in heated marital discussions.  And, unfortunately, the success rate for marriage counseling is not impressive primarily because by the time someone reaches out for help, the ship is halfway underwater.  However, successful marriage counseling is like the perfect golf swing: it doesn’t happen often but when it does, it encourages you to come back for more.  One of those “perfect swings” for us was James and Nancy (not their real name) who came seeking help in 2008. 

  Infidelity shatters relationships.  Trust is broken, hearts are wounded, dreams are lost, and the future that once shone brightly is as dark as a moonless night.  James admitted his betrayal and promised a willingness to change.  Nancy wasn’t sure whether she wanted to fight for the marriage or pack-up and leave.  In the middle of the conflict were three young boys.  They sat before my wife and I desperate, hopeless, and unsure of what actions to take to begin repairing what was fractured and restoring what was lost.

There are no simple solutions when a heart is broken.  No quick fixes.  As any couple in the process of recovering from an affair can attest, picking up the pieces of your marriage is not easy, quick, predictable, rational, or linear; people involved in infidelity rarely act rationally.  Affairs do strange things to people. A sense of normalcy is lost.  New boundaries have to be established (Carder, 1992). 

Each counseling situation is different.  With James and Nancy, I set-up individual meetings with the spouses separately and then I scheduled meetings with them together.  I scheduled separate sessions for the husband and wife because initially each person has different counseling needs.  When I met with James, I was able to ask him hard questions surrounding the affair that would have been extremely painful to Nancy at this juncture.  I met separately with Nancy to ascertain her willingness to move forward.  Either way, there had to be an initial individual evaluation to determine the course of action necessary to restore the marriage.

After meeting separately, my wife and I met with James and Nancy 2-3 times a month.  With each counseling session, we guided them in sharing some of the hidden issues that led to the inability to communicate with honesty and vulnerability.  As Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg (2010) stated, “When dealing with hidden issues, it’s very important to focus less on problem solving and ore on hearing each other’s thoughts and feelings.”  Moreover, they said, “Often you don’t solve hidden issues, rather you soothe them through mutual understanding, respect, and acceptance” (p. 156).  As a third party, we facilitated discussions that should have been occurring but weren’t.

We follow a six-step counseling process similar to what Whetten & Cameron (2011) highlight in their Mediator-Problem Identification guidance for conflict:

M-1. Acknowledge that a problem exists and propose a problem-solving approach for resolving it.  Deciding to meet separately and then jointly is part of this approach.  We were able to identify the current relationship and forecast the most efficient way forward.  Step one entailed clearly defining the immediate problem.  In this case, it was James unfaithfulness and the lack of both parties to openly communicate their dissatisfaction with the present state of the marriage.

M-2. Seeking out the perspective of both parties, maintain a neutral posture regarding the disputants—if not the issues. As difficult as an affair can be on a relationship, it often has the power to open couples up to conversations they never had previously experienced.  With the marriage often in ruins, couples begin to be honest for the first time.  They share fears, disappointment, and unmet expectations.  As counselor, we recognize that much of the initial sharing is based on selfish motives and rationalizations.

M-3. Serve as facilitator, not as judge. Nothing surprises us anymore.  After a decade of marriage counseling, we have been exposed to terrible decisions and unthinkable actions.  Through our sessions, my wife and I remain neutral and listen without judging.  Our responsibility is to lead them individually and collectively to a place of healing and forgiveness.  While we never minimize the infractions and selfishness, we lead them through to a life of healing and forgiveness.

M-4. Manage the discussion to ensure fairness—keep the discussion issue oriented, not personality oriented.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “It is important that the mediator maintain a problem-solving atmosphere throughout the discussion. This is not to say that strong emotional statements don’t have their place” (p. 400).  There were times in the counseling session that James tried to rationalize his behavior.  He tried to displace responsibility and make excuses for his adultery.  Rather than allow Nancy to blow up and attack (which he may have initially shut out), I would step in and speak firmly and intentionally against his selfishness and manipulation.  Hearing his wrong from a third party caused him to listen and respond appropriately.  The adulterer is a master manipulator.  Calling out the manipulation and addressing the selfishness was a long overdue wake-up call that James needed to hear.

M-5. Explore options by focusing on interests, not positions.  Whetten & Cameron (2011) said, “positions are demands, whereas interests are the underlying needs, values, goals, or concerns behind the demands” (p. 401).  During this stage, we seek to identify mutually desires, united goals, and willing parallels.  For instance, both want a fulfilling marriage, both want to be there for the children, and both want an environment of love and respect.  My wife and I help paint a picture of the possibilities and promises of their desires.  We are honest about the difficult road ahead but we help them see where they agree and teach them to discuss and work through the issues where they disagree.

M-6. Make sure all parties fully understand and support the solution agreed upon, and establish follow-up procedures.  Usually, after an affair, both parties are committed to having the difficult discussions, to focusing their attention on their spouse, and are even excited about the possibilities of a new marriage.  However, just like their original honeymoon period, this also wears off.  And, when it does, couples have a tendency to drift right back into the same behaviors that led one or both of them into an affair.  As counselors, we continue to remind them of their current opportunity and the dangers involved with “drifting.”  We establish regular follow-ups and homework assignments to help keep them focused as time goes by.  

For every one marriage that stays together after counseling and thrives there are a handful that collapse a few months later.  One of the key aspects of counseling for my wife and I is that we learn as well.  Each situation is different and each person has varying expectations.  By making ourselves available to hurting marriages, my wife and I learn how to help them AND us.  As a result, our marriage is stronger and we regularly “practice what we preach” and apply the communication techniques we describe to our clients.

Steve

References:

Carder, D.M. (1995). Torn asunder. Chicago, IL: Moody Press.

Eldredge, J., & Eldredge, S. (2009). Love and war. New York, NY: Random House.

Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Whetton, D.A., & Cameron, K.S. (2011) Developing management skills. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.