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Trust is Power

If you can inspire 30 men to get up at 8:00 am on a Saturday to sit in a circle and share their dreams, fears, and struggles, you must be doing something right.  Every second and fourth Saturday, I lead a Christian men’s group that focuses on developing integrity and character with the purpose of creating better husbands, fathers, employers, employees, sons, brothers, and friends.  The group consists of a NASA engineer, a handful of Air Force officers, and members of the U.S. Navy; there are teachers, students, program managers, and the unemployed.  The ages range from 21 to 61 and encompass married, single, divorced, and engaged.  To be sure, if one ever hopes to make a difference in the lives of such an eclectic group of men, one better understand the power of influence, the influence of power, and the importance of trust.

Mary Kay Whitaker, (2008) in her book It All Starts With You said, “To build a foundation of trust, managers must match their actions to their words” (p. 8).  In a world of camouflage and power struggles, men want authenticity.  When it comes to personal growth, real-life issues at home, the vulnerable landscape of their marriage, and the treacherous terrain of parenting, men can sense fake, manipulative, and selfish motives.  The old adage, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” is never more true than dealing with men.  Hidden behind rough exteriors and buried beneath years of machismo are men looking to find a meaning for their life.  Something deeper than an office cubicle.  Something richer than a roommate with a wedding ring.  They want their life to count.  My calling and purpose is to help them find it by clearing away the debris of bad decisions and incorrect assumptions.  The avenue I use to do this is trust.

Are you comfortable developing sources of personal influence to gain power?

Whetten & Cameron (2011) take a detour from the traditional view of power.  Mostly perceived as controlling and manipulative, they shift the definition from “having authority over others to being able to get things done” (p. 286).  One of my favorite gifts working with men are the emails I receive from wives and children.  Leading a men’s ministry takes great sacrifice, perseverance, time, and hope.  Lots and lots of hope.  There have been more than a few times that I’ve thought of “throwing in the towel” and moving on to easier pastures.  But, without fail, I’ll receive a new (or remember an old) email from a wife thanking me for investing in her husband.  Hearing her say, “I don’t know what you’re doing on Saturday or what you tell him when you have coffee with him but he is changing.  He spends more time with us, takes our children out more, has become more romantic, and is responding in a kind and gentle way.”  Those comments confirm Whetten & Cameron’s power definition of “getting it done.” Stephen M.R. Covey (2006) said, “People trust people who make things happen” (p. 30). 

Whetten & Cameron identified the sources of personal influence as expertise, personal attraction, effort, and legitimacy.  Each is a critical component of leading and challenging followers.  Leaders should seek these qualities regardless of their current position or leadership role.   In his book The Speed of Trust, Covey (2006) said, “Trust is a function of two things: character and competence” (p. 30).  These four sources of personal power are elements of both character and competence.  Developing them is the key to leadership and success.  At the end of the day it comes down to motive.  Consistent and life-changing power and influence is bestowed rather than demanded.

Do you embody the characteristics of likeable people depicted in Table 5.4 (p. 290)?

            

         Whetten & Cameron (2011) identified six characteristics of likeable people.  I am often referred to as having charisma and strong social abilities.  In the process of fine tuning them and learning about the dynamics of social exchanges, I often hear, “one can’t fake charisma and force themselves to be socially successful.”  While charisma is an embedded element of one’s personality; likeability is not.  If you want to influence: be nice!  Likeability can be learned.  Everyone can increase their influence by practicing these six skills:

• Support and open, honest, and loyal relationship
• Foster intimacy by being emotionally accessible
• Provide unconditional, positive regard and acceptance
• Endure some sacrifices if the relationship should demand them
• Provide social reinforcement in the form of sympathy and empathy
• Engage in the social exchanges necessary to sustain a relationship

After reading these characteristics, I sent the list to my core men’s group leaders.  I concluded the email by saying, “We can only take men as far as we’ve gone. Go further.”  If bosses and leaders ever hope to succeed, they must practice the six behaviors of likeable people.  I understand anything can be taken to an extreme.  This is not meant for supervisors or CEOs to be “best-friends” with their employees but in the same vein, the traditional, hard-driving autocratic and impersonal boss is counterproductive as well. 

Fortunately for me (and those I come in contact with), I have incorporated the six characteristics into my relational repertoire.  However, they are not used as tools to influence and manipulate as much as they are integral elements of who I am.  By regularly practicing these behaviors and having a strong sense of my own identity, I can be open, honest, and empathic without feeling threatened.

Are you able to use influence both up and down your organization considering the information in Table 5.5 (p. 293)

            

          Trust and respect is a two-way street.  Credibility crashes when leaders demand follower’s respect and adherence without offering it to their leaders.  Everyone works for someone.  CEOs are accountable to shareholders and shareholders are accountable to society.  In the military, authority and respect still operate under a strong hierarchy.  Regardless of rank, respect, trust, and followership are ubiquitous traits that make for effective organizations.  One of the ways I protect my integrity and credibility is by “practicing what I preach.”  In other words, am I offering the same investment and respect to my boss that I am expecting from my followers? 

            

           Whetten & Cameron (2011) highlighted ways to manage and nurture one’s relationship with their boss.  They stated, “Understand your boss’s goals; the pressure they are under; and their blind spots.” Moreover, “assess your own strengths and weaknesses; your perception of authority; and always, always, keep your boss informed” (p. 291).  While I have a great amount of autonomy in my current position with Lockheed Martin, I make it a regular practice to keep my boss up-to-date either through emails or daily phone calls.  Another way to strengthen our relationship is through regular conversations about work processes and also personal challenges.  Through honest and open discussions, my boss and I have developed a strong relationship.  One of the most important principles of my leadership is “in order to be a good leader, you must first be a good follower.”

Steve

References:

Covey, S.M. (2006). The speed of trust. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Whetten, D.A., & Cameron, K.S. (2011). Developing management skills. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.

Whitaker, M.K., & Whitaker, R. (2008). It all starts with you. Kansas City, MO: Xcelogic, Inc.

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                                        Looking Back to Look Forward

Growing up in a home as the youngest of three boys left little margin for error.  With my brothers, it was best to be “not seen” and “not heard.”  For when you were seen, if it didn’t measure up, you were quickly ridiculed as weak and incapable.  Moreover, if you were seen and they were drinking, things got much worse.  As a result, I decided to hide.  At home, invisible was safe.  One of the ways I hid was by staying away.  The majority of my time was spent outside the home with a group of friends.  In those relationships I found acceptance; and, ironically, leadership.  I became the one who made the plans, set the agenda, and gave advice. 

As a sixteen-year old boy in a western Pennsylvania steel town, you needed to know how to defend yourself.  Unfortunately, I was skinny.  My brothers seemed to mature much quicker than I and though only a few years separated us, it felt like decades.  Their influence on my life is far greater than the scope of this blog but for brevity’s sake, they mastered the art of manipulation and intimidation.  My oldest brother was as smooth as silk.  Silver-tongued and smart, he could work his way in and out of any situation.  Regardless of the trouble that surrounded him, he always seemed to escape unscathed.  My other brother, while intelligent, was all force.  He carried an air of intimidation.  If one brother couldn’t talk me into doing what he wanted, the other would threaten me to do it.  As a result of a divorce, my oldest brother lived in New York while we moved to Pennsylvania.  My other brother lived with me and had much greater influence.  

In the fall of 1982, my brother came home from Marine boot camp.  One night, he drove my girlfriend, another friend, too much whiskey, and me to a back road in the middle of the night.  Standing on a dark, deserted road, he offered me a deal.  With a handful of money and a blood-alcohol level off the charts, he offered me $100 to run and hide in the woods.  If he couldn’t find me within an hour, the cash would be mine.  But if he found me…well, who knows.  I turned down the offer.  When he made the same offer to my girlfriend, I stepped in and tried to end the game.  In an instant, I found myself lying on my back unaware of what had happened.  Apparently, he disliked my suggestion and leveled me on a dark road in the middle of nowhere.  I’m not sure he even remembers the incident while I’ve never forgotten it.  Neither has my girlfriend now aka my wife.

Later that night, unbeknown to everyone there, I made an internal agreement.  I promised myself that I would never be humiliated and knocked down again.  After years of intimidation, I had had enough.  As a result, I significantly increased my weightlifting.  I needed to gain size and muscle.  Fast.  Paradoxically, as I worked out and began to grow, I continued to see myself as skinny.  Within two years I had gained nearly twenty pounds.  It wasn’t enough.  No matter how much my strength improved and my weight increased, I was never big enough.  Consequently, I began taking steroids.  I had read of the side effects and knew the dangers.   Neither could sway my decision.  I was never going to be pushed around again.

After years of lifting weights and abusing steroids, I was looking for an opportunity to demonstrate my increased strength on my brothers.  Short of a few cross words, it never came; and, I thank God for that.  I’m very disappointed in the decisions I made as a young man.  Rather than take a higher road of forgiveness and understanding, I allowed revenge and regret to dominate my thoughts.  Struggling with an identity and masking unprecedented insecurity, I made years of poor decisions in a shallow attempt to rediscover a lost masculinity.

Today, things are much different.  The years have brought healing and maturation.  On this side of forgiveness, I recognize the influence bullying has on people’s security, identity, and peace of mind.  As a team member and an employee, I help promote a zero-tolerance policy toward bullying in the workplace.  Too often, society relegates bullying to middle school and high school playgrounds.  Unfortunately, it takes place in professional workplaces as well.  Today, I am the first to step-in and stand-up for someone being intimidated.  I have learned to gently address someone who is using a loud voice, an extra hard handshake, or other intimidating behaviors to achieve their goals.  In short, because of what I’ve learned, I help to ensure a certain organizational justice exists within the workforce.

On a lighter note of influence, in 1992 my family and I received military orders to Germany.  My supervisor was a Master Sergeant who had been in Germany for nearly three years and was an “old hand” at living and working overseas.  On my first day, I was excited about getting to work, meeting new people, and integrating into my new assignment.  At a little after 8:00 am my supervisor arrived to pick me up for work.  The first thing I noticed when I walked outside was his uniform.  It was a wrinkled, sloppy mess.   Being a senior non-commissioned officer working in a foreign country, I expected much more.  Climbing into his car, things got much worse.  The ashtray was overflowing with half-smoked cigarettes and ashes.  Old, empty Styrofoam cups that once held black coffee were strewn throughout his car.  Just when I didn’t think things could get worse, we arrived to his office.

Folders, lunch bags, stacks of papers, and unmarked cardboard boxes littered his office.  As he relocated stacks of debris from one of the chairs, I found a seat and he began briefing me on my responsibilities and expectations.  “Expectations!”  I thought, “Are you serious!”  He and I worked together for less than three months as his tour of duty had ended and he headed back to the states to finish his career.  The initial meeting with my supervisor locked an important element of professionalism deep in my mind:  The power of a first impression. 

The United States military has an unequaled history of courage and honor.  Present day active-duty men and women are expected to embrace the tradition and carry on the respect and professionalism of those before them.  In the Air Force, as in the other branches of service, the senior non-commissioned officer is a vital link in the success and leadership of its people.  Proper wear and representation of the uniform is paramount to respecting the core values of the Air Force.  While I accepted that fact when it was told to me as a young airman, it became a deep part of my character immediately upon meeting my supervisor in Germany.  

Today, ensuring a proper and professional first impression is a key characteristic of my behavior.  As a liaison representing Lockheed Martin to the Air Force, it is my responsibility to display confidence, preparation, organization, and orderliness.  I meet a number of new people each week.  By offering respect, showing competence, and being organized they leave our meeting confident of my abilities to follow through on their concerns.  Everyone knows “you get one chance to make a first impression.”  Because of the unkempt appearance and disorganized presentation of my supervisor, I have learned to look through the eyes of those meeting me and ask, “What is the first thing that comes to mind when they meet me?”  It helps me ensure I am representing the company with the highest standard and taking pride in my own professionalism.         

Legacy leaves an impression.

Steve